Peach's Birthday
by Stewart MacDonald
Summary: Mario is trusted with the simple task of buying Peach a cake for her birthday. Nothin' to it, right? A lot to it. Stupidity, randomness and just plain irony lead to an epic tale of toilet humor, nutshots, and other nameless atrocities. M for language.
1. Festive News

FORESHADOWING

If you are under 15.. don't read this! Use of the F word.

I don't own any characters in this fanfic. Nintendo does and I would like to thank them.

One morning, in the Mario Bros. House, Wario awoke.

Wario: "What a fine morning to devastatingly increase my cellulite!" The fat fuck waddles downstairs.

Wario: "Ah! I smell tinned mushrooms!"

Toad: "No, jackass, its me." Wario looks down to see Toad glaring up at him.

Wario: "Hi."

Toad: "Piss off!" Kicks Warios foot

Mario: "Good-a morning!" Mario says coming downstairs

Toad: "Go to Hell." Gives Mario the finger.

Mario: "O.K." begins call calling Dr. Betruger

Waluigi: "He didn't mean it you stupid shit!" He says walking in from front door.

Mario: "OHHHHHH!" He sits at the kitchen table.

Luigi, hearing the fighting, comes downstairs.

Luigi: "Toad! What has got you so pissed, eh?"

Toad: Toad sighs. "Okay, you guys, I'll tell you. You know Toadeline?"

Mario: "Oh yes! That sweet little shroom you were dating!"

Toad: "And I assume you know Toadofsky?"

Mario: "Yea, the geek from Super Mario RPG."

Toad: "Well I caught them making out in my CAR!"

Mario: "Super Mario RPG and Toadofsky?" Mario muses, absolutely befuddled.

Toad: "No you stupid plumber, Toadeline and Toadofsky!"

Mario: "Oh yea..."

Wario: "ZZZ..."

Toad: "GET THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" Toad angrily slaps Wario across his fat face.

Luigi: "Well, I can see why you're so angry."

Wario: "ZZZ..." Wario belches in his sleep.

Toad: "MOTHER FUCKER!" He Grabs Wario by the nose.

Wario: "What? What!" Wario looks around confused.

Toad: "I'm pouring out my frickin' soul here! And You're not FUCKING LISTENING!" Toad slams a blender on Warios arm and plugs it in, spraying gore everywhere.

Wario: "EEEEEEYAAAAAHHH!" Wario clutches his bloody arm and dies with blood pumping out of his stub of an arm.

Mario: "Don't worry Wario! You'll have seven lives left!"

Toad: Toad wipes blood off his face. "Bye guys..." He leaves.

Waluigi: "Poor Toad, so much is happening to the little guy. I hope he doesn't start drinking again..."

Wario: "I hope not! Remember driving him to those friggin AA meetings?"

Luigi: "Oh, yeah, fuckin nightmare."

Mario: "No, I'm sure that's all in the past." Mario says, but doesn't look assured

The telephone rings

Mario: "I will get it!" He grabs the phone. "Hello-ah?"

Mallow: "Hey! You do know its Peach's birthday ... right?"

Mario: "Nope."

Mallow: "Well it is."

Mario: "So?"

Mallow: "So! She's your frickin girlfriend you ass!" Mallow shrieks in impatient rage.

Mario: "OH YEAH!"

Mallow: "Well, Chef Torté quit, so you have to get a cake."

Mario: "She seemed to make a good cake in Paper Mario..."

Mallow: "You can't make yourself a cake on your own birthday!"

Mario: "Lazy broad... Okay. I can't cook, so I'll buy a cake."

Mallow: "Good man." There is a click followed by a dial-tone.

Mario: "Hey, guys! Im going to the Cake Store!"

Luigi: "Oh. You're not using my car. Use your own."

Mario: "I can't, I blew it up."

Luigi: "Then use Waluigis car!" Luigi fumes.

Mario: "Hey Waluigi, can I use your purple corvette?"

Waluigi: "I don't see the harm..." He nervously throws keys to Mario.

Mario: "Thanks!" Mario skips outside and dives in the purple corvette "Hey! Waluigis wallet!" He pockets it and begins his drive to the Cake shop "Oh great! A stoplight!" Two old hags pull up beside him.

Old Hag 1: "Oh look, its Mario!"

Old Hag 2: "Lets kill him!" Old hags pull an Uzi

Mario: "Holy Shit, I'm gonna die!" Mario floors it just as a Toad kid is crossing the street.

Toad Kid: "AWAAAAAGUUUUUWAGGHHHH!" Mario hits him

Mario: "Ewwww... There's too many Toads around here, anyway." He turns on windshield wipers "Ah! I have arrived." He gets out of the car and walks up to the door.

Will Mario prevail and get the cake for Peach's birthday? Or will he fuck up extraordinarily? Time will tell, and good reveiws. Hee hee.


	2. Catastrophe and Incarceration

Cake Catastrophe

Hey everyone. This is chapter two in my ridiculous saga. Just a reminder that I don't own these twisted fiends. Though if I had the money I would buy them all.

Mario opens the door and skips up to the counter.

Mario: "Hey, got any cakes?" Mario looked blankly at the clerk.

Clerk: The clerk coughs and looks around "Um, kind of..."

Mario: "How 'bout birthday cakes?"

Clerk: "Over in aisle 12, in between the sexual harassment recovery cakes and the leg amputation anniversary cakes, and across from the Downs Syndrome Celebration cakes." He points toward the back.

Mario: "Okay!" He skips off to aisle 12, and see's D.K looking at some sexual harassment cakes.

D.K: D.K goes bright red. "Oh, hi Mario, I um, didn't expect to see you here..."

Mario: "Oh, I'm getting Peach a cake."

D.K: "Oh, that. Well, tell Peach I'm sorry... Okay?"

Mario: "Um, its her... birthday..." Mario says, confused.

D.K: "Oh, Yeah! I knew that! I was just kidding with you, you know?" The apes eyes dart around nervously.

Mario: "Oh! Here's a good cake!"

D.K: "Happy 84th birthday Gramma Edna?"

Mario: "Oh... well how 'bout this one?"

D.K: "I gotta go, pick whatever, That lazy nephew of mine wants me to get him a CD or something..." The perverted ape shuffles out.

Mario: "Seeya D.K!" He grabs the cake on the right but, being Mario accidentally grabs the one beside it as well. "Hey Clerk!"

Clerk: "Yes?" The clerk called, somewhat bored.

Mario: "How Much?"

Clerk: 100 coins, dumbass. It says fifty on each of them"

Mario: "Okay." Mario pulls fifty coins out of Waluigis wallet.

Clerk: "Um, sir, this isn't enough."

Mario: "Sure it is. You said fifty on each one, and I only grabbed one, so it's fifty."

Clerk: "Oh great, another one. Listen sir. You have **_two_** cakes. Not one. **_TWO._** Now give me my money or I'll call fucking security you schnook."

Mario: "Dude! You are on drugs! I only have one god damn cake you friggin pirate!"

Clerk: "FINE! FUCK YOU! Just TAKE the god damn cakes! Get out of my store!"

Mario: "Okay!" The plumber skips out the door and runs smack into Bowser.

Bowser: "Oh no! Get the hell away from me!" He pushes Mario away from him.

Mario: "Hey Bowser! How's it going?" Attempts to pat him on the back.

Bowser: "Well everything _was_ good." Bowser shoves him again.

Mario: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"

Bowser: "Never mind. Isn't that Peach?" He gropes for an excuse to escape.

Mario: "Oh my GOD! Here! Oh no!"

Seeing Mario's panic, he steals the cake in his hands. "Oh, never mind, Lakitu kind of looks like her in the sun, you know..."

Mario: "OH SWEET JESUS! There she is!"

Bowser: "What? Oh FUCK!"

Mario: "Bowser, get me out of here! PLEASE!"

Bowser: "With pleasure! You don't even have to ask!" Bowser whips him over a nearby building.

Peach: Peach struts over. "Hey Bowser, have you seen Mario?"

Bowser: "Why, no I haven't! But I got you this cake, It just spoke to me!" Bowser passes the cake to the Princess.

Peach: "So you were violated by an... ape?" Peach reads the cake in shock.

Bowser: "What?" He reads the caption. "Damn that stupid plumber!"

Peach: "Why did you bring back those awful memories? I thought you **_cared_**!"

Bowser: "It was Mario!"

Peach: "Oh Bowser, youre such an _asshole_!" She runs away, sobbing.

Meanwhile, over the building, which is Dr. Mario's walk-in clinic, Mario gets up and brushes himself off.

Mario: "Bowser sure is a nice fellow! He even took the cake I grabbed by accident!"

Mario squints across the street at the bar, and see's a squat figure with a huge head walk in.

Mario: "Holy Shit! Was that Toad! I think it was!" Mario dashes in after him.

The bar is very dreary, and smells like beer, blood, and old money. Mario sees Toad at the other end of the bar.

Mario: "EH! Toad!"

Toad: Toad looks up with a sad expression on his face. "Oh. Hey Mario."

Mario: "Hey Toad, you okay?" He takes a seat beside him.

Toad: "Yeah... I guess."

Croco: "The usual, Toad?" The thieving Crocodile gone bartender asks.

Toad: "Yeah... And my buddy Mario here will have a Bloody Mary..."

Mario: "Thanks, Toad, But... I thought you quit?"

Toad: "I don't know... I just cant take all this crap you know?" Sighs dramatically.

Croco: "One bottle of straight whisky, and a Bloody Mary."

Toad: "Thanks Croco... you're a pal." Toad drains the whisky in seconds.

Croco: "They got a band playing later tonight, you boys staying?"

Mario: "Yeah, I guess." He glances at Toad who is busy waving his fingers in front of his face.

Croco: "Okay." Croco walks out.

Toad: "Hey! Mario! Check out that hot chick!" Toad points

Mario: "Um... That's Daisy, Toad."

Toad: "She's still hot..." He grumbles.

Mario: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

Toad: "You know Mario, life sucks. I mean, I never knew Toadeline was cheating on me... She was always so nice, and reassuring... like everything was gonna be fine...

The best I can do is get wasted and forget about it... Maybe you can too, But, _you're_ the great Mario. You don't have problems..."

Mario: "I've seen my share of shit."

Toad: "I know, sharing a bathroom with Wario and all..." Toad pauses, and listens to the music playing. "Fuck. Why do they play this Toadofsky shit! On my favourite jukebox too!"

Mario: "It's the band Toad, and its live." Mario states.

Toad: Toad's head snaps up. "Croco?

Croco: "Yup?"

Toad: "Is this live?" Toad motions towards the music.

Croco: "Yup." Croco continues cleaning out a glass.

Toad: "This is... FUCKING TOADOFSKY!" Toad jumps out of his chair.

Mario: "Now Toad! He's not worth it!" Mario attempts to hold Toad back.

Toadofsky: Toadofsky looks up and see's Toad. "What the fuck is that little gimp doing here?"

Toad: "You fucking BASTARD!" He breaks free of Mario and runs at Toadofsky with his beer bottle.

Toadofsky: "Bring it, bitch!" Bares his fists.

Toad: "You ruined my life," He smashes the beer bottle on the cello players head. "You stole my girlfriend," He advances on Toadofsky. "And now... I'm going too FUCKING KILL YOU!" He leaps upon Toadofsky and slits his throat. "Who's a gimp now? HUH!" He stabs him in the gut 30 times.

Mario: "STOP! STOP! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!"

Toad: Toad stands up. "Mario, hold this!" He passes Mario the beer bottle and dashes out.

Mario: "I'll, Uh, drop this off later then?" He calls.

The windows smash and two burly cops in sunglasses come in.

Cop #1: "Okay! Everybody back! Anyone moves, I blow you to hell!"

Drunken Goomba: "Man! That dude got wasted! I'm getting the hell out of here!" Runs crying for the door.

Cop #1: "Okay." He shoots the goomba in the head "Anyone else 'leaving'?"

Wiggler: "Did you just shoot that Goomba?" He asks, astonished.

Cop #2: "Yep." He shoots the Wiggler with an Uzi.

Sumo Bro: "Um, excuse me?" The Sumo Bro is sitting in a bar stool cradling a beer in his hands.

Cop #1: "Yes?" He asks, reloading his Shotgun.

Sumo Bro: "Can I finish my beer?"

Cop #2: "If you can do it without moving."

Sumo Bro: "Oh, I get it..." He looks longingly at his beer.

Mario: "What's going on?" Mario asks, as mushroom juice oozes off the smashed beer bottle in his hands,

Cop #1: "You just killed a famous conductor, that's what's going on, you sick fuck." He motions toward the whisky bottle in Mario's hands.

Cop #2: "And you smashed it over the cello players head."

Cello Player: "Yeah!"

Cop #1: "Oh really asshole?" He shoots the cello player.

Mario: "Ohhhh! This? I'm holding it for someone, you know."

Cop #2: "Yeah. And I've got a toilet that uses psychic Cosmo rays to turn crap into gold." He rolls his eyes at Cop #1.

Mario: "Whoa! I want one of those! That sounds awesome!"

Cop #1: "Joe, never say that in a bar again."

Cleft: "Yeah! I want one too!"

Ludwig von Koopa: "I've got one."

Bowser: "LUDWIG! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE!"

Ludwig von Koopa: "I'm testing my car that runs on alcohol, it helps the environment, and reduces the amount of drunks staggering around. And besides, what are you doing here? If I tell Mom, she'll kill you, and I'm 18, so screw you."

Bowser: "Point, point... okay fine." He sits down beside Ludwig.

Ludwig: "Good man."

Bowser: "Yeah, yeah, just don't tell Claudia."

Cop #1: "Well, Mario, You're going downtown." He smirks evilly.

Mario: "Uh, I am downtown."

Cop #2: "No you stupid shit, downer-town."

Mario: Oh my GOD!

Cop #2: Oh yes...

Mario: To SEARS!

Both Cops: NO!

Bowser: "To jail you stupid plumber!"

Mario: "Oh NO!"

Well, that's the end of chapter two. Please give me good reviews, I think I deserve it. I'm out.


	3. Explosions and Flachulence

Here is my disclaimer, I don't own Mario or any of the people in this story, and I'm only lightheartedly making fun of jails, and cops. Only as a joke. This chapter is the most heated yet. With jailbreaks, high speed car chases and... EXPLOSIONS! Do I hear a thank you, Quinn?

The two cops drag Mario into the Toad Town Jail, and throw him through large door.

Cop #1: "This is your cell, it has a bunk-bed, a Jacuzzi, an exercise room-"

Mario: Mario gasps, cutting him off. "An exorcize room? People are getting possessed in here?"

Cop #2: "NO! An exercise room, you know, weights and stuff." Pumps his arm up and down to demonstrate.

Mario: "Oh! For a minute there, I had a flashback to that one movie with the priest in it..."

Cop #1: "There's also a personal arcade and a toilet." The cop continues, ignoring Mario's remark.

Mario: "Does it turn poop into gold?" Mario asks hopefully.

Both Cops: "NO! YOU DUMBASS!"

Mario: "Okay! Okay! Jesus, I ain't deaf!" He trundles into the cell/penthouse, and see's D.K sitting on one of two waterbeds.

D.K: "Oh, my. Hello Mario..." D.K stands up.

Mario: "D.K! Why are you in here?" Mario gapes.

D.K: D.K stuffs some cake in his mouth. "No reason."

Mario: "Know why I'm in here?" Mario asks.

D.K: "No. And I'm too absorbed in self pity to care." D.K removes his tie and wraps it around a hook and stands on a chair.

Mario: "What are you doing?"

D.K: "Mario, when I count to three, kick out the chair from under me."

Mario: "Okay, but why?"

D.K: "I'm too ashamed to live."

Mario shrugs and D.K counts.

D.K: "1..." He sweats. "2..." D.K groans. "65!" He finishes. Mario, not listening, assumes he said three and boots the chair.

D.K: "ACK!" The ape falls to the ground.

Mario: "What happened?"

D.K: "I never learned how to tie a knot..."

Mario: "Anyways... Toad killed a man... fungus, yeah."

D.K: "So... If Toad killed a fungus, why are _you_ in here?"

Mario: "The cops thought it was me, and all the witnesses were too drunk, or too dead to do anything, besides Ludwig, but he's still mad at me for jumping on his head in Super Mario Bros. Three, so he won't say anything."

D.K: "I get it." D.K says. Not really getting it, but doesn't want to seem any god damn stupider than he already looks after the blown suicide attempt.

Damn, I can't think of anything funnier, so they just go to sleep.

The next morning...

Mario wakes up to sunshine and the smell of bacon...

Mario: "I am in jail, why do I smell good food?"

D.K: "We have a robot cook in our kitchen."

Mario: "OH! Cool."

D.K: "Well, if you want to freshen up for the trial, there is a spa over to the left."

Mario: "Wow! A spa! Like a place where girls walk around in towels."

D.K: "Too bad ours wasn't so..."

Later, Mario emerges to see some guards harassing D.K.

D.K: "Fine take my lunch money, just don't hit me again!"

Mario: "Hey! Leave him alone! Can't you see he's stupid?"

D.K: "Yeah!" The ape snivels and nods.

Guard #6: "Oh great, it's Mario, what are you going to do, jump on my head?" He shrieks in mock fear.

Guard #445: "But you got tired of jumping on heads, didn't you? Decided to take it up a notch, _didn't you? _Like stabbing a man with a whisky bottle!"

Mario: "I try my best."

Guard #9999: "You sick bastard! I hope they put you away forever, homo!"

Mario: "Hey! I ain't gay! Don't call me that, fuck you!"

The three guards laugh at him and leave, and a dirty thug pokes his head out of his penthouse/cell door.

Thug #54300: "I bet you can't even jump, you little girl!" He snorts and says a couple random four letter words I won't even put in an M rated fanfic.

Mario: "Oh Yea?" Mario pounces and plants his boots on the thugs scalp, breaking his neck and killing him instantly.

Guard #10: "Oh my GOD! Did you just kill him?"

Mario: "Nope, not at all."

Guard #10: "Oh, Okay then." Faces the door again.

D.K: "Hey, Guard!" D.K whines.

Guard #10: "Yes?"

D.K: "This kitchen doesn't have any banana sauce!"

Guard #10: "Okay." The guard unlocks the door "The supplies over there beside the exit, I'm pretty sure they've got some banana sauce down there. I'm happy to help!"

Mario: "Yo! I want some too!"

Guard #10: "O.K.! Go with that ape then."

Mario: "You don't have to tell me twice!

D.K and Mario, who can't believe D.Ks luck, runs full tilt toward the exit.

Guard #10: "Wait JUSTA MINUTE!"

Mario and D.K: "FUCK IT ALL!"

Guard #10: "You forgot your banana sauce cake!"

D.K: "Um, Thanks..."

Guard #10: "I'm always happy to help." Smiles brightly.

Mario: "Then you should be very happy." Gives the guard a coin.

They continue their sprint towards the exit.

Voice: "HALT! YOU SON OF A BITCHING ITALIAN!"

Mario: "I know that voice..." He turns around and sees Smithy standing there, in all his metallic glory.

Smithy: "You should you stupid plumber! It took me a week to rebuild poor Smelter! Unfortunately, before I could begin my reign of terror, Bowyer convinced me to apply for a job at the prison. Then, with a few bribes and a couple of assassinations, I now RULE THIS PRISON!" Does an annoying belly-laugh.

D.K: "Mr. Smithy, please don't kill me and roast my spleen! I'll give you this dripping, beautiful cake!"

Smithy: "Deal." Smithy says, and D.K blinks at his second stroke of luck. Unfortunately, Mario wasn't in on this little bit of luck.

Smithy: "Now you will DIE! For jumping on me of course."

Mario: "I'll do it again!" Mario jumps, but miscalculates the distance to the ceiling, and cracks his head off it.

Smithy: "HAH HA HAH! It appears you are losing your touch! Now feel my hammer!"

Mario: "Ewwww... I don't want to feel anything of yours!"

Smithy: "Ew! I didn't mean that you pervert!"

D.K: D.K is sprinting for the door, but, he suddenly stops? "Ugh... my gut..." D.K clutches his hairy stomach and falls down with his ass in the air.

Smithy: "What the fuck's wrong with him?"

D.K: "Oh... SHIT!" A huge ripping noise is heard and a shimmering wall of gas explodes out of D.Ks ass and smashes into the evil Smithy. Smithy, being so large, blocks Mario from the monkey fart and dies instantly.

Mario: Holy shit! You killed him, but you were gonna run away from me!

D.K: Nah uh! I planned that.

Mario: "What the hell, I'm alive! Let's go."

The two jailbird heroes of my story get in Waluigis purple corvette. Suddenly, Toad comes ripping around the corner in his shroom speeder.

Mario: "Toad! Come to sort this mess out, eh? Help us escape... EH?"

Toad: "No, Mario. I can't let you do that."

D.K: "This is all my tiny mind can handle!" He collapses.

Mario: "Toad! I don't understand!"

Toad: "I can't let you live. You'll rat on me. Then I'll go in that hellhole."

Mario: "It is bad. People get possessed and they don't have a toilet that turns poop into gold."

Toad: "I have to kill you Mario. It's time to die." Toad revs the engine and speeds at Waluigis Corvette.

Mario: "Not if I can help it!"

HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE!tm

Mario floors it and tears out of the driveway. Toad rips out after him. Waluigis voice echoes through Mario's head... "I don't see the harm..." Mario must not let his brother down, because if Toad kills him, Waluigi would dig him up and kill him again.

Toad: "Your only prolonging the inevitable you shit rag!"

D.K: He sits up. "What's happening!"

Mario: "HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE!tm" Mario screams.

D.K: "OH! That explains why old ladies are dying on the street as we hit them, and why the speedometer says 200!"

Mario: "Yes, it would, now shut up:

D.K: "Can we go off a cliff?"

Mario: "No you dumb fuck!"

D.K: "Damn..."

Toad rams them. And Mario swerves off the road, they pass a sign that says, "Dry, Dry Mountain" on it. Mario shrieks, because there is a cliff coming up.

D.K: "YAY!"

Mario: "You FUCKING APE!"

D.K: "The brakes are failing!"

Mario: "No, the brakes are fine. Whatsa matta witchoo?"

D.K: "They've failed!" He shrieks, ripping off the brake pedal.

Mario: "OH SHIIIIITTTTT..."

D.K: "We're gonna have to jump!" D.K giggles, rubbing his hands together.

Mario: "If we don't live through this... I hope you burn in monkey hell."

D.K: "Thank you."

Toad: "Wow, I don't even have to kill you. Bye Mario the Homosexualio."

Mario: "Toad, I've got one thing to say to you."

Toad: "And what would that be, asshole?"

Mario: "See you in HELL!"

Mario and D.K vacate the car in a single leap, D.K runs down the mountain with a video camera to see the action. The car hits the edge and fly's off D.K screams in ecstacy and Mario screams in horror, knowing what Waluigi will do to him. The car goes at a straight, downward incline and crashes into a large rock and explodes dramatically, spraying fire and shrapnel everywhere. D.K is still hooting and screaming something about number two coming up, when Toads car comes flying over the cliff, there is a screech from Toad and the car smashes into a Trailer taking the road, and both cars explode in a hellish wave of fire, metal, and bits of ground up bodies. Mario stands atop the cliff shaking his head.

D.K: "Holy FUCK! That was the most awesome thing I've ever seen!"

Mario: "Oh shit... I'm-a gonna die."

Stay hooked for Chapter 4, the funniest one yet. I need reviews peeps! PLEASE! At least read it Damn it!


	4. A Series of Revenge

Okay everyone! The next chapter! Get ready to laugh until your lungs break! I don't own any characters herein. Contains extreme violence, and Pamela Anderson's bra.

Mario and D.K stood over the smoking wreckage of the horrible accident. D.K still giggled uncontrollably. Mario let a couple tears slide down his cheeks. D.K stopped giggling for a moment.

D.K: "Holy shit! That was soooo cool! Lets do it again!"

Mario silently turns to him and kicks him as hard as he can in the genital area. D.K collapses screaming in excruciating pain.

Mario: "Should I throw him off? No, not worth legitimately going to jail for killing an ape." Mario grabs D.K's arm and begins to drag him towards the Dry, Dry Desert train station.

Ticket Toad: "Hello sir! Do you have a ticket? And does that monkey have a ticket?"

Mario: "No."

Ticket Toad: "Oh, well sorry sir, but I can't let you on the train without a ticket.."

Mario: "Don't you know who I am! I am Mario! So my ass I can't get on! Who the fuck saves you from Bowser every time he get's pissed at the world and kidnaps Peach or a bunch of you low-life shrooms! I am so sick of this fucking treatment!" Mario gurgles.

Ticket Toad: "Excuse me? THE Mario? Like the one who ran over my fucking son! I've been praying to God I'd meet you today, Mario, and it appears my prayers have been answered!" He pulls out a plasma gun and loads a plasma cell in it.

Mario: "Oh fuck, now another one of you fucking mushrooms want me dead!" Mario groans. He dashes behind a large rock and begins to assess the situation. D.Ks unconcious, and Mario has no means of attack. Things look bleak. Might as well go down swinging.

Mario: "Hey! Fucking toad guy! I'm behind the rock!" Mario calls.

Ticket Toad: The vengeful toad pops up from behind him. "I kind of figured that, asswipe." The toad point his plasma gun at Mario and is about to pull the trigger when D.K awakes.

D.K: "OW... My nuts...What the fuck is going on... Oh, no, my ass...I'M GONNA BLOW!

Ticket Toad: "What the fuck is he talking about?" The toad guy asked oblivious too what is about to befall him.

Mario:"Um,your about to die." As if timed by an evil force D.K's body is wracked with spasms and his ass quivers. With a strange ripping noise a shimmering wall levels the Toad, and as with Smithy, kill's him instantly.

Mario: "Way to go, D.K, you did something useful for a change."

D.K: "Got any aspirin? My nuts feel like Michael Jackson did the Moonwalk on me wearing high heels..."

Mario: "We'll see, D.K, we'll see." The two protaganists stumble towards the train, where a snoozing toad is asleep on the bench. Careful not too wake him, they start the train and set it for Toad Town. Suddenly, there is a tap at the door.

Mario: "Oh, who the fuck is this?" He totters over and opens the door. Instantly, a strange blue object flies up and cracks him in the nuts.

Wakka: "REMEMBER ME MOTHERFUCKER? THE GUY YOU RELENTLESSLY BEAT WITH A FUCKING HAMMER!"

D.K: "Cool! A talking lump!"D.K takes out his video camera.

Wakka: "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS, APE!" Wakka snarls like a drunken baboon.

Mario: "OH MY GOD! MY NUTS!" Mario rolls on the floor, clutching his wounded testes.

D.K: "Keep the action going, people!" D.K continues filming. A strange blue hand grabs Mario by the leg and drags him out of the train.

The sleeping Toad wakes up

Toad #48: "Woah! What the FUCK!" He stares in awe.

Mario screams as Wakka mercilessly brutalizes him. The plumber grabs a hammer and cracks him on the head.

Wakka: "HAH! MOTHUFUCKA! I'M IMMUNE TO YOUR FUCKING HAMMER, SHOULDN'T 'A HIT ME SO MUCH, BITCH!" Wakka savagely grins, revealing sharp, curved teeth. "BETCHA WEREN'T EXPECTING THOSE, WERE YOU, BITCH!"

Toad #48: "Holy son of a bitch!" He just sits down.

Mario: "STOP SAYING BITCH! OWWW!"

D.K: "So, you got a wife?"D.K asks, focusing the lens.

Toad #48: "Oh yeah."

D.K: "She hot?"

Toad #48: "Oh yeah."

D.K: "Whats she wearing?" D.K licks his lips.

The Toad punches him as hard as he can in the gut and runs away.

Meanwhile, Wakka is biting Mario's leg like crazy.

Mario: "OH MY GOD! D.K! HELP ME!" Mario kicks Wakka in the face and begins crawling towards the dead Toad. He reaches it just as Wakka comes to and rushes him, he grabs the plasma gun and opens fire,and Wakka screams in pain, and falls into his hole.

Mario: "Oh thank god..."

Wakka: "RAWG!" He rips back out and clamps his teeth on Mario's nads.

Mario: "MAMAAAAAA-MIAAAAAAAA!" Mario shreiked!

D.K rises to his feet

D.K: "Oh shit! I missed the best part! Well, the movie is ruined now, might as well help the fucking guy." Mario is screaming and flailing like a monkey with it's dick in an outlet.

Mario: "AARGGHHH! PLEASE JUST KILL ME, YOU SICK FUCK!"

D.K: "Geronimo!" D.K jumps on Wakka and wraps his hairy arms around Wakka, with a quick twist he snaps his neck.

Mario: "MY BAAAAALLLLLLSSS!" He writhes uselessly.

D.K gives Mario an aspirin.

D.K: "Now these are extra-strength, so you can only have one."

Mario: "Waita minute!" Mario takes the plasma rifle to his head and pulls the trigger.

D.K: "OH MY GOD! MARIO! WHYYYYY! YOU WERE SO YOUNG!"

Mario reappears and a robotic voice says "4 lives remaining."

Mario: "I hope that's the only time I have to do that."

D.K: "MARIO! YOU'RE ALIVE!" He embraces the plumber.

Mario: "Jesus! Get off! You reek!" Mario pushes D.K over. Mario's body still lay there, with a ragged hole in his head.

Mario: "We should go back now." They board the train and go to Toad Town.

When they arrive, they immediately head to Mario's house. When they get there Mario turns to D.K.

Mario: "D.K, stay out here, so when, I die, you can tell Peach what happened..."

D.K: "No I can't."

Mario: "And why the fuck not?"

D.K: "Restraining order, man..."

Mario doesn't say anything, and then it all fall's into place.

Mario: "You sexually harassed my girlfriend?"

D.K: "It didn't start that way!" D.K sobs. "I was drunk! And besides, it's in the past! We're buddies now!"

Mario: "Okay." Mario walks inside. Imedeately, Waluigi attacks him.

Waluigi: "MY CAR! MY FUCKING CAR!"

Mario: "Waluigi! How did you find out!"

Wario: "It was all over channel 5 news! I can't beleive it!" Wario shakes his head.

Waluigi: "Oh well. I knew something like this was gonna happen, so i bought another one."

Mario: "Oh. Well. I came to pick up... my invitation." Mario says slowly, and advances towards the table, where his invitation sat.

Luigi: "Now I'm really glad I didn't let you use my car.

D.K comes running in holding a bra.

D.K: "Look! Pamela Anderson just gave me her bra!" D.K squealed.

Luigi: "You mean, Pamela Anderson came here for that one celebrity get-together, you snuck up behind her, and stole her bra." Luigi said.

D.K: "Nooo..." His eyes shifted around.

Mario: "Well, bye D.K., seeing as you cant come to Peach's castle... I guess we have to part."

D.K: "Okay." The ape runs out, sniffing the bra.

Mario: "What an ungrateful wretch." Mario shakes his head.

Waluigi: "My wallet... WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WALLET!" Waluigi begins to strangle Mario.

Mario: "Here! It's here!" He hands it to Waluigi.

Waluigi: "Cool, there's nothing missing... but you bought a cake?"

Mario: "Oh, the clerk went a little nuts... so he just gave it to me."

Mario leaves, and gets in Luigi's car, humming to himself as he pulls out the driveway.

Luigi: "HEY! FUCK YOU!"He stomps his foot angrily.

Mario gets out in front of Peach's castle. And walks to the front door. Suddenly, a shadow fall's over him and Bowser jumps off the roff.

Bowser: "Okay, asswipe! You're going to pay for that mean stunt, giving me that sick cake! Now I'll never hook up with Peach!" Bowser gives Mario the finger.

Mario: "Dude! She is my girlfriend!"

Bowser: "I don't give a sailing shit! You piss me off!"

Mario: "But... Bowser! All this time I thought you were my friend!" Mario sits down, sobbing.

Bowser: "Oh, put a sock in it, you'll be dead soon anyway!" Bowser rushes him and body slams him. He gets up, and picks up the agonised Mario.

Mario: "It's okay, Bowser. I forgive you." Mario whimpered.

Bowser: "WHAT! Well forgive THIS YOU FILTHY PEICE OF SHIT!"

Bowser throws him on the ground and begins to kick him in the ribs, swearing horribly at him. Mario whimpers and takes it. Suddenly, a small figure tackles Bowser, with a rusty scalpel.

Dr. Mario: "Leave my cousin alone! You... you... fag!"

Now, nobody knows this, but Bowser hates being called gay. He hates gay's. He was hit on by one 20 years back.

Bowser: "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU QUACK!" Bowser picks him up and fries his face off.

Mario: "NO! DR. MARIO!" Mario gets up and jumps on Bowser's head, knocking him over.

Bowser: "Oh my GOD! Will you just fucking die?" Bowser breathes fire at him, but Mario has got his zip back, and dodges it.

Mario: "This is for Dr. Mario!" He pulls out the plasma gun and depresses the trigger, aiming at Bowser's head, several round's hit him right in the jaw, and he collapses.

Bowser: "OW! IT FUCKING BURNS! I'LL GET YOU, YOU ASSWIPE!" Bowser gets up, and staggers away.

Mario takes a deep breath, and walks over to hisnear-dead cousin.

Dr. Mario: "Mario..."

Mario: "Yes, Dr. Mario, I'm here."

Dr. Mario: "I just want you to know... that your mother liked me more than you..." And he died.

Mario: "NOOOO! WHY!" He gets, up, beaten and bruised, and staggers towards the doors to Peach's castle.

Okay! Sorry to leave you on such a cliff-hanger, but I'm done! Chapter 5 might take longer, but just wait! Seeya next time!


	5. When Things Couldnt Get Any Stupider

Hee hee. You probably were hoping this would be the last chapter. NOPE! I found a unique way to make it drag on. I know its getting old, but another DK projectile in this one. Some action combat scenes involving umbrella's, andthe start of acrazy plane trip.

* * *

Mario's hand grasped the regal doorknob and turned to the left, there was a click and the door swung open, he stepped in and breathed deeply, he was in terrible pain, his body ached from Bowser's beating, but he was alive, and that was what counted. He would go to this party, and give the woman he loved the best cake she ever had, however, it all seemed very, very quiet... 

Mario: "Hello-a! Is anyone there!" He turned a corner and saw a Toad sitting on the couch asleep, Mario shook him, and he awoke.

Toad #3: "AHHH! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? RAPE! RAPE!" The Toad screamed and flailed about hyperventilating.

Mario: "I ain't gonna rape you! I just want to know where the party is." Mario soothed.

Toad #3: "IT'S OVER THERE! JUST DON'T VIOLATE ME!" The Toad blubbers and points toward the big door at the back.

Mario: "Thanks, I guess..." He trots over and opens it, the whole place is a mess, and a couple Toads are cleaning the hellhole up.

Toad: "Mario! What are you doing here!"

Mario: "AUGH! TOAD! YOU DIED!" Mario holds up a crucifix and wails like a little girl.

Toad: The mushroom backhands him. "No, you fuckhead, I jumped out, but you were too busy sobbing over your own fucking fag-mobile to notice. D.K got it all on camera. Anyways, I'm sober now, so I'd like to apologise for my atrocious behaviour.

Mario: "Apology accepted, but... I guess I'm in the wrong room?" Mario says hopefully.

Toad: "All depends on where you're going, Mario." Toad says, using that mystic tone that Mario always hated people using.

Mario: "Well, I was-a goin to the party...

Toad: "OH! Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but not only are you in the wrong room, you're in the wrong day."

Mario: He takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't get it."

Toad: "Well... Peach's Birthday is kind of... next month."

Mario: "Oh. My. God. You are-a lying to me."

Toad: The little mushroom shakes his head sadly. "No Mario, I made a note to tell you at the bar, and Mallow got his date wrong.But then I saw that dick-smack Toadofsky. I went a little nuts. You won't tell anyone it was me, will you?"

Mario: "Of course not, Toad, you're one of the only true friends I have."

Suddenly, there is a short, curt knock on the door, and the castle doorbell rings.

Toad: "Oh, shit, probably another early party guest." Toad scurries off.

Mario hears Toad open the door and hears voices, they slowly get louder as they approach the door.

Toad: "Mario! Someone here to see you."

Mario: "Me? Probably Luigi to come get me, he's had his joke."

Dr. Betruger: "I'm afraid not, Mario."

Mario: "What are you doing here?" Mario obviously dislikes this man.

Dr. Betruger: "In the midst of doing an important biological experiment, my phone rang, I ran upstairs to get it, but the fool had apparently hung up. And according my call display... That fool was you. I momentarily cursed you, and went downstairs."

Mario: "So? My brother told me to go to hell, and I figured you were the man to call, since you have access... And then he told me not literally, so I hung up."

Dr. Betruger: "Thats not my point. When I got downstairs, the 8 foot demon I had been experimenting on had broken free and was eating my apprentice, this was no loss, but he was doing it on my lunch table, so I yelled, and it got away, It's been circulating and killing ever since around the Rogueport area, but someone says they saw it slip onto a ferry to Mushroom Kingdom. The authorities have been sending angry letters explaining how angry they are. And some dude wants to sue me."

Mario: "Oh jeez, I'm sorry." Mario bows his head in shame.

Dr. Betruger: "It's alright, I just want you to know that many will die because of your tiny mind." Dr. Betruger turns to leave.

Toad: "A demon! HOLY FUUUCK! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Toad books it.

Mario: "I called you this morning, the ferry got here at noon, its 2:00 now... OH SHIT!"

Dr. Betruger: "Ah yes. Be sure to have fun."

Mario: "Oh." Mario says blankly, secretly scared out of his mind.

Toad: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THANK GOD! THERES AN 8 FOOT DEMON RUNNING AROUND! AND I LEFT ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN TODAY!" Toad freaks out and sobs violently, rocking back and forth in the middle of the room.

Dr. Betruger: "Well. Seeing as I live in Rogueport, this is no longer my problem." The scientist walks away.

Mario: "Ah, well. Toad, if it makes you feel any better, you can stay at my place tonight." Mario helps the shroom onto his shaking knees.

Toad: "Thanks Mario... I hate anything over 6 ft..." Toad shudders.

The two friends arrive at the Mario Bros. Household and enter noisily. The haunting aroma of spaghetti greets Mario, and he walks through the door. Luigi looks up at him, a shit-eating grin on his face

Luigi: "Well, how was the party Mario?" Luigi asks chuckling.

Mario grabs a large wooden stick, and promptly inserts it in Luigi's nose, while Toad cheers and Wario farts loudly, and laughs in his strange, beach whaled way. Waluigi comes bolting downstairs and slaps Mario.

Waluigi: "Whata the fuck are you doing!" He pulls the bit of wood from his siblings nose and wipes snot and blood on Wario's chest, and Wario struggles to lick it off.

Luigi: "Wario! You sick fucking shit!" Luigi vomits noisily.

Wario mutters something about waste not want not, and waddles away.

Mario: "Did all of youdickbrains know Peach's Birthday was next month!" Mario hollered.

Waluigi: "Didn't you?" He asks confused.

Mario smacks his forehead, and Luigi tries not to laugh, when out of the blue D.K comes ripping through the door, Pamela Andersons bra strapped tightly over his head, and a large nylon over his face.

Luigi: "D.K, what the fuck?" Luigi asks, shocked. Suddenly, the wail of sirens is heard, and SWAT vans pull up. Toad cops pile out of the vans, looking all serious.

Toad Cop#306: "We have a possible 209, celebrity undergarment theft, possible suspect is the hairy pile of excrement D.K," He is cut off by another Cop.

Toad Cop#217: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Toad Cop#306: "I'm making a report!"

Toad Cop#217: "Well it sounds eerily like you know what the hell your doing, take to mind this is the first crime related to undergarment theft in 2 years."

SWAT Captain: "Who the hell did the last one?"

SWAT Thug: "D.K thought it would be funny to apply Princess Daisy's panties to himself and run down main street."

Meanwhile, inside, DK, still equipped with the bra and nylon helmet, jitters nervously.

DK: "You gotta help me guys! I dont want to go back to that creepy place!"

Luigi: "DK, you gotta learn to control your hormones!"

DK; "Pamela Anderson is hot..."

Toad: "Forget this you guys! What the hells going to happen to the house! Those cops destroy everything just to make a good entrance!"

Wario: "Please, Toad. Spare the theatrics! These guys are proffesionals!" Outside, a cop urinates upon the wall, succesfully writing his name. Another one puts the mailbox over his head and begins dancing around.

Waluigi gives Wario a look that says, go back to eating whatever the hell is stuck between your teeth right now.

DK: "Guys. I've made up my mind. These guys have too much power. Its time to put them in their place." DK grabs Luigi's umbrella and walks outside, the ape stands, bra and nylon still on his head, slightly swaying in the breeze. The cops raise their guns, and DK raises his umbrella.

SWAT Captain: "Come now! We're not really going to shoot him! He only stole some celebrities undergarments!"

Cop # 5: "Yes sir, but he does suck so."

SWAT Captain: "Right. Ice him then."

Suddenly, DK lunges forward with intense speed. the umbrella flailing, it connects with a cops head, knocking him out, the cops fire, only to discover that they had forgotten to load their guns, being in the economic jam that they are. DK approaches the SWAT captain, and suddenly collapses, going into hideous spasms. Inside, Mario's eye's widen.

Mario: "GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS!" The plumber hits the dirt.

SWAT Captain: "Get up monkey, you really do suck."

The very reality around the area seems to shudder, and distort as a large tuba like exclamation is heard, the air (Especially around D.K's hindquarters) Becomes blurry and seems to shift. Instantly, all the cops rot and fall to the ground, nothing more than skeletons. DK stands.

D.K: "Damn! You gotta love your own brand!" The monkey inhales deeply. Then frowns. "Damn, it diffused."

Mario runs outside and slaps DK. "Do you realise you have just murdered an entire SWAT team! You have to leave the country! Or you'll be in the clapper fort sure!"

DK: "Where will I go! There can't be any country with pathetic enough security to let me in!"

Mario: "Well... There is... one."

The Mario bros. all run outside.

All: "CANADA!"

* * *

The airport bustles with activity as Bowser Koopa and his seven kids stand in line for the plane to Canada. The family appears to be on vacation, and each have packs and suitcases bursting with items, especially Wendy.

Roy: "Shit Dad, Why the hell are we going to Canada, it sucks!"

Bowser: "I told you, you whiny little brat, its got beautiful country, not very many people, and no Mario, or any of his shitheaded friends." Bowser breathes a sigh of relief and smiles to himself.

Ludwig: "We better get seperate rooms. I need space for all my equipment." Ludwig sighs, running a hand absently through his zany hair.

Wendy: "God, Ludwig! We're going on vacation! Why do you need all that stuff!" She exclaims, shifting the weight of her pack and glaring at her older brother.

Ludwig: "The same reason you have all your stuff with you." Ludwig points out.

Larry: "To be a slut?" Larry chuckles, and recieves a quick uppercut fromWendy, Larry falls backwards, into Iggy, who turns around and sees Lemmy laughing, assumes it was him, and kicks Lemmy in the special man place. Lemmy howls and takes a swing at Iggy who ducks, and Lemmy's fist connects with muscular Roy's face. Roy picks up Lemmy, and the dispute becomes untraceable as all out mayhem is unleashed.

Bowser: "HEY HEY, HEY!" But a flailing tail cracks him in the kneecap and the Koopa King collapses into the fray. Several suplexes from Roy, anda couple dozenrandom blows later, Bowser manages to settle his raging offspring. Larry is curled into a ball on the floor, shrieking incomprehensibly.

Bowser: "Everyone! Calm the fuck down! And jus tbe normal for once! Christ!" They pass in theyre tickets, ignore stares, and board the plane. The kids all take the available seats, and Bowser looks around for one, agitated. He sees an apparently empty pair of seats by a window and walks over. As he does this he is aware of humming, and suddenyl a red hat comes into veiw, a sick feeling in his gut, Bowser sits and looks over.

Mario: 'Bowser! Long time no see! So, you're sorry about what happened earlier, eh?"

Bowser grabs the tie off the man in the opposite row, and wraps it around the plumbers throat, squeezing with all his might.

Mario: "Bowser! Your choking me!" Bowser releases.

Bowser: "Its not worth it! It's just not worth it!" Bowser dissolves into tears and rests his head on the seat in front of him, sobbing violently. He is suddenly aware that the man with the tie has a very hairy chest... too hairy. He looks at the mans face, and is surprised to see it covered with a ladies nylon. He is also asport with a cowboy hat and a large furcoat. Sunglasses perch on what Bowser assumes to be a nasal area, and leather gloves cover the hands, but Bowser see's the wristline, with hair coming out. The "man" looks at him, and exhales, the raunchy stink of mouldering banana wafts over him and he gags.

D.K: "Psst, Bowser, its me!" The ape says through his extremely freaky disguise.

Bowser: "Oh, Hell no! Not you, not both of you, this vacation is going to suck!"

Their is a rumbling as the plane takes off, and Bowser feels violently ill. The flight attendant walks by, and Bowser raise shis hand. "Yeah, could I get some ice water?" She nods, and walks away. Bowser cannot help but notice DK's head turn as she walks by him. Bowser delivers a solid slap to his face.

DK: "What, what?" The ape mutters, his weird-ass disguise muffling his voice.

Bowser: "Have some respect for women!" Bowser snarls. Suddenly, a rather attractive woman walks by, and Bowser cant help but notice _his_ head turns as well. DK inhales sharply, and stands up, fishing a thin hand mirror out from his pocket, he rushes towards the bathrooms, where the woman went. Roy Koopa, bored, and aching to commit some act of rudeness, see's the strangely dressed fellow bustle past, and sticks out his foot, grinning to himself.

DK: "OOK!" The monkey ook's and collapses. Roy chuckles and looks out the window, turning up the volume on his MP3 player. The bedraggled ape stands and takes a stick from the folds of his coat, and smacks Roy over the head. Roy stands, and tackles DK by the midriff, collapsing onto Ludwig, who was attempting to dissect a frog in the opposite row.

Ludwig: "You clutzy assholes!" Ludwig stands, and boots DK in the head, not even knowing its DK yet. DK stumbles over and collapses, his face on the chest of another rather attractive woman.

Woman: "Ahem! Do you mind?"

DK: "No, actually. I don't mind at all." The ape says, and he really means it. He doesnt move.

Woman: "Thats it, you pervert!" Suddenly, DK feels 100 volts of electricity rush into his body as the woman produces a Rapist Be Gone brand taser. DK, who is pretty much immune to these babies at this stage of his life, twitches lightly. But is unharmed, suddenly, Roy and Ludwig grab up DK by the throat. A stewardess atempts to scoot by them with a food cart, and the two Koopa brothers double chokeslam the perverted simian onto and through the cart.

Mario: "Wow! This vacation is awesome already!"

* * *

Yeah, Quite a twist? Dont you think? Well thats all for this chapter! I know this has probably been anticipated, and a lot of readers are cursing me for waiting this long, but I got writers block, what can I say. I am aware that this one isnt quite as funny as some of the previous chapters. But I did try. It will get better, believe me. Thats all for now, please review! -Stewey


	6. DK Isn't Quite A Trash Compactor

Well, this is going to be quite the chapter. Lost in the forests of Canada, and faced with limited food supplies and slowly diminishing sanity, our heroes must fight for their lives. Yeah. Things are going to get messy. By the way,I don't own any of these messed up freaks, and I live in Canada, so dont take the Canada jokes seriously. I also dont own Our Lady Peace. But that would kick ass, since they're a sweet band. I also don't own Gail Grissam or CSI. If I did, do you think I would make fun of it so?

* * *

Bowser stumbled through the black void, nothing in it besides himself. Well, there was one other thing, the unspeakable. On and on he ran, and suddenly, it was in front of him. 

Mario: "Hey Bowser!"

Bowser turns and runs, unable to scream, he finds himself in a large clearing, surrounded by trees. Not bothered with how the hell he got there, he turns slowly, and suddenly, Mario's pour from every direction, with a few strange figures with fur coats and cowboy hats. "Hey Bowser!" They all shout, and suddenly he is at the edge of a cliff, he falls, and notices instead of water or ground, there is a sea of Mario's. He shuts his eyes and awaits death

* * *

Bowser jolts awake. He is relieved to find himself still on the plane. The Koopa King grumbles and takes an Aspirin, making a mental note never to have caffeine before going to sleep again. 

Mario: "Hey Bowser! Did you sleep well?" The cheerful plumber asks.

Bowser screams, and the flight attendant comes rushing over.

Flight Attendant: "Sir! Whats wrong?"

Bowser: "Nothing, nothing... Another ice water would help..." Bowser shudders and sinks low in his seat.

Morton: "Dad had a nightmare!" The loudmouthed Koopa Kid howled.

Roy: "Dad, I'm ashamed."

Bowser: "You all shut the fuck up, or I'll be ashamed to kill all of you!" This seems to work, as they all look absently out the windows and go back to doing whatever it was that they were doing. DK sits, slumped in his absolutely ridiculous disguise, with a large dictonairy in front of him. The ape seems entranced, too entranced.

Bowser: "DK, why the hell are you reading a dictionary?"

DK looks up shocked, and clears his throat lightly. "One can never learn too much."

Bowser: "Well _you_ certainly can't." Bowser snarls and snatches away the dictionary, revealing a rather explicite PlayBoy magasine.

DK: "I didn't know it was there, honest!"

Bowser just glares at the sick ape and shreds the magazine, while DK sighs. Bowser looks at Mario, who has a mushroom protruding from each nostril.

Bowser: "What the fuck are you doing!" Mario doesnt reply, and is going quite blue, so Bowser slaps him.

Mario: "What? Whats going on?"

Bowser: "You had two friggin mushrooms up your substantial nose!"

Mario: "Oh yeah! I was doing Shroomjitsu." Mario smiles proudly. "Its an ancient art of concentration!"

Bowser: "Its an ancient art of stupidity..." Bowser mumbles. He pulls the mushrooms from Mario's nose and tosses them backwards. Bowser looks over at DK who is staring at Bowser and muttering something. Bowser catches the word, Kill, Knife and Bowser, and becomes somewhat alarmed.

Roy: "Oy! Monkey, mind if you shut your trap? I cant hear Our Lady Peace!"

DK: "Did you say lady?" DK grins.

Wendy: "Shut up, Monkey."

Larry: "Slut..." Larry mutters,then throws himself to the ground, realising what he may have just unleashed.

Wendy, who was about to dig into some rather hot soup, sits bolt upright.

Wendy: "What the FUCK did you say Larry?" She almost screeches.

DK: "Did you say fuck?" The ape smiles hopefully.

With that simple sentence, Wendy snaps, the bowl of boiling soup soars from her hands and towards the smiling, ape-face of DK. With a shriek, the ape ducks, and the soup smacks off the face of Morton, who begins screaming.

Morton: "MY EYES!" Morton gets up and runs aimlessly, colliding with Iggy, who had gotten up to go to the bathroom.

Iggy: "You dick!" The spectacled Koopa kid shoves his screaming sibling, who sails sideways into Roy's lap.

Roy stands, without a word, and grabs Morton by the tail. With two quick swings Morton sails to the front of the plane, and lands in front of the two pilots.

Pilot #1: "Hey kid! We're almost at the airport, piss off, will you!"

Morton: "I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSTRILS!" Morton dashes to what he assumes to be the exit of the cockpit, and runs smack into the control board. There is a small explosion and the sound of electricity short circuiting, and the plane becomes without power.

Pilot #2: "Oh shit! That dude's going to make the plane crash!"

Morton: "Hey... Why do you need two pilots?" The Koopa kid says, barely alive, but still managing to run his mouth.

Pilot #1: "Oh, him? He doesnt do anything, he just sits there and gets paid more than me. Anyways, please alert the other people on this plane that we're all going to die, okay kid?"

Morton gets up, perfectly fine, nods, and runs back.

Morton: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Complete chaos erupts, Mario begins wailing, DK shrieks and pounds the ground with his hands, Roy throws cherry bombs at random people... and then the plane begins its downward arch towards the mountains.

Bowser stands up, about to yell something along the lines of, shut the fuck up, and gets a cherry bomb in the mouth, with a scream of pain Bowser is falls backwards, into Mario, who is attempting to open the "door" on the side of the plane.

Mario, sadly, succeeds at this. And the stairs unfurl and the Koopa King and the annoying plumber are sucked from the plane and into the sky, they crash towards a lake, and Bowser manages to get Mario in a headlock in midair and punch him furiously.

Bowser: "I can't die with you!"

Mario: "Oh you won't! I still have a couple lives left. You'll die alone, don't worry!"

Bowser: "In that case, I'll be happy to use your mangled corpse to save my life!" Bowser laughs evilly and pins Mario beneath him.

Mario: "Bowser! Stop this! I don't feel the same way about you!"

They sail downwards, and slam into the lake. Bowser surfaces, as does Mario, face down and not moving. At all. With a massive monkey scream DK also leaps from the plane, his weird fur coat sailing behind him like some graceful bird. However, the serenity of DK's flight was marred by his terrible hooting screams.

Bowser: "Well. Theres a nice way to die." He laughs and snaps a picture. He casually pushes Mario's corpse out of the way as he paddles for land. He notices with a sinking heart that they are in the middle of a vast expanse of wilderness.

Bowser: "Ah shit, can this get any worse?" Bowser crawls onto the beach. "Thank God it's summer..."

Soundlessly Mario scrambles out of the water, panting heavily, and shivering violently.

Mario: "B-B-Bowser! I-I think I-I'm g-going i-i-into hypothermia!"

Bowser: "Don't be ridiculous! It's summer!" Bowser chuckles.

Mario suddenly convulses and collapses, quite dead.

Bowser: "Only in Canada..."

The Koopa king shudders and walks over to DK's limp form as Mario reappears, a robotic voice announcing that he has 2 lives left, and he better fucking watch it. Bowser nears the still ape and prods him with his foot.

DK: "OOK!" The ape sits up and begins to foam at the mouth.

Bowser: "Damn it, why did you have to live?" Bowser grabs the ape and lifts him to his feet, a scowl on his face. He turns to his two colorful companions. "Do you have any idea where the fuck we are?"

Mario: "Well;" The Italian mutters, glancing at his GPS. "Apparently we are in the mountains of British Columbia. And using this, we can find our way out."

Bowser: "What the hell is wrong with that thing?" He mutters, cocking an eyebrow at the bright yellow GPS.

Mario: "I know, they overdo it on the flash flashiness of these things." Mario waves the thing around.

Dk is suddenly very quiet. A thought has crossed the apes mind, that he ha snot devoured anyhting remotely bananaish in a while. The apes glazed eyes follow the yellow contraption, his tainted mind forming into a curved shape of a banana.

Mario: "Eh, D.K, what are you-a looking at?"

DK: "AROO!!!!" The ape tackles Mario and sweeps the GPS into his mouth, and with a crunch and a series of beeps, he devours it. Suddenly there is a crackling sound and numerous figures step out from the trees.

Larry: "Dad!!!" The koopalings burst from the underbrush and embrace their father.

Bowser: "Kids, you're alive! How did you survive the plane crash?" Bowser asks curiously.

Luigi: "Well you see Bowser, when the stairs blew open, Wario, somehow, without the aid of any form of lubrication, got through the opening. Again, I don't know what twist of nature, never mind reality allowed this, but the plane landed on him, softly. We had seconds to pile out before the plane was sent bouncing into the atmosphere." Luigi explains.

Mario slaps himself, completely befuddled.

Bowser: "Yeah, I mean how did the plane bounce off him?"

Mario: "No idiot, I'm befuddled about how he got through the plane door." Mario remarks.

Bowser blinks, not even believeing he may have just been insulted by Mario, and decides to let it slide.

Bowser: "How did you guys find us?"

Toad: "Oh, well this great fellow with the glasses here led us. He said he though he heard Mr. Game and Watch being murdered by a trash compactor, and we followed him." The mushroom man says, pointing to a stout fellow wearing a brown jacket and jeans. DK's eyes dart around as he chews lightly, a small beep coming from his mouth.

Bowser: "And who the fuck are you?" The Koopa King asks the man.

Gail Grissam: "The names Grissam, Gail Grissam, CSI. I was on the plane to visit my dying grandma. Apparently she caught a rogue whiff of gas from a massive explosion in Mushroom Kingdom. It was transported by a turkey that was shot outside Mario's house, and she ate it. Apparently it was a weird natural based gas of immense strength."

DK turns red and his eyes dart around.

Gail Grissam: "Anyways, I used a complex method known as trichonfdricliolis, a very useful math technique to calculate where exactly the noises were coming form, and found you guys. None of you happened to see Mr. Game and Watch being murdered by a trash compactor, did you?"

Bowser: "No, that was this brown idiot eating our only hope of survival, Mario's GPS." Bowser gives DK a swift kick to the knee.

DK: "Ow! Hey, you should be kissing my ass, now we have a cool impossibly smart TV dude helping us! I demand an apology!"

Bowser: "Get bent." He gives DK the middle finger.

Gail Grissam: "I see... Well our only hope now is to make a camp and live off of nature. There nowhere else we can go for now. We'll have to wait until we're found."

Mario: "Oh god, not nature! I can't live without toilet paper! I've become dependant on Charmin! All that soft goodness..."

Luigi: "Mario, shut up. Please. I already vomited once from seeing DK, I don't need that too."

Wario: "Don't worry Mario, fecal matter is just recycled food anyway. We shouldnt have a problem."

Luigi pauses for a moment, then scurries into the bushes, where he vomits noisily.

DK: "I don't get it."

Gail Grissam: "Well, our first step is getting firewood for a campfire. Mario brothers, you four should go. The rest of you, set up a tent."

Mario: "Aye, aye, impossibly smart CSI Tv man." Mario grabs a pale Luigi by the arm and scurries off, while Wario and Waluigi follow.

* * *

Well, I am so sorry for the wait about this. You know, good old writers block. Yup. Actually, I can't use that. I had this planned out for a while, but was too damn lazy to do anything about it. This is partly due to school, which is going absolutely amazingly. (Sarcasm alert.) Anyways, I'll try to rattle off the next chapter as soon as possible. Thanks for reading. 


	7. Stick Misadventures

Okay, the next installment in my story, where, lost in the wilderness with naught but Gail Grissam, Bowser and his offspring, and a few odd brothers and a mushroom man, Mario must survive this disaster. Maybe he can, and he probably will. Whats the point is what happens in between. I forgot how much I loved writing this story, and will probably get a couple more chapters done. This chapter focuses on the three Mario brothers, Mario Luigi and Wario, gathering firewood for the others. A slight misadventure from the rest of the story. Wait, where the hell is Waluigi? Oh well. Enjoy!

* * *

Mario skipped along the trail, gathering twigs in wild abundance, singing to himself. 

Mario: "When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, thats a..."

Luigi: "For God's sake, you've repeated that same line over twenty times. And when he said firewood, he meant bigger hunks of wood, idiot!" Luigi flusters, waving a large stick at Mario and turning quite red.

Wario: "Well theoretically if we can get enough small sticks, it won't matter how big they are, a fire is a goddam fire. It's not like any form of temparature cna peirce my many layers of lard anyways." Wario huffs.

The brothers were now at the edge of a massive lake, with the July sun beating down on them. Nonetheless, Mario did not quite feel like swimming after earliers event. Suddenly, a bulk catches Mario's eyes.

Mario: "Mama-mia! We've hit-a the jackpot!" Mario points and hops up and down, and his finger points towards a massive bundle of sticks just off shore.

Luigi: "Thats a beaver lodge, oh stupid brother of mine. We can't take those, thats where beavers live."

Wario: "So what, if it's a lodge, they should have insurance. All good lodges have insurance." Wario states this as if its common knowledge.

Luigi slaps his forehead, wondering if he could get off with murdering his two dumb ass brothers on defence of his mounting frustration. In Canada, he probably could, people get off for less here. Mario has made a makeshift raft out of his immense number of twigs and is paddling towards the dam.

Mario: "I am smart, and cool. I have-a found so many sticks as to be ridiculous!" The plumber hops upon the dam and begins to gather sticks, when an odd furry creature crawls from the mass of sticks.

Wario: "Holy Christ!"

Luigi: "Thats a b-" He is cut off as Wario continues.

Wario: "It's a prehistoric window cleaner!" Wario gapes in awe.

Luigi has a sudden urge to grab the nearest stick and beat his obeice sibling to death with it, but decides its better to teach him intelligence than let his stupidity destroy him.

Luigi: "No Wario, thats a beaver. A small mammal found in numerous parts of Canada. It cuts down logs and uses them to build its homes."

Wario: "Oh, what a cheap ass. Mario, these little fuckers obviously don't have insurance, if they're that low budget. And Luigi, havent you read Darwin? Don't you know where all the window cleaners come from. The tail is the pre evolved version of the squigi."

Now Luigi does lose it, and begins smacking Wario upside the head with a stick.

Mario: "Hey guys! The window cleaners trying to say something!" Mario leans towards the beaver, which has begun to froth at the mouth. "What is it little guy?"

Luigi: "Mario-"

The beaver lunges, baring hideously large front teeth, and lodges these fangs in Mario's eye. Mario howls and falls backwards into the water, as ten more of the mammals crawl from the dam and begin to feast upon his flesh, as Wario screams.

Wario: "I TOLD you they didn't have insurance! Now look whats happened!" Mushroom kingdoms answer to Buddha (Minus the calm, kindness) shrieks.

Luigi can only gape. He had read beavers were terratorial, but he never foresaw this. Mario's blood has already tinted the water as the mammals drag the carcass below the surface. Mario reappears behind Luigi, frowning.

Mario: "Bad prehistoric window cleaners!" Mario scolds, shaking a finger.

Luigi: "Well guys, you realise we have to best these beavers. Because you just tossed all the sticks we did collect with that raft stunt. So now, unless we want to go back and face Bowser empty handed, we need to storm that dam."

Mario starts to giggle uncontrollably, unil tears start to roll down his face.

Luigi: "What? I fail to see the humor in this."

Mario: "You said damn!" The plumber giggles.

Luigi slaps him upside the head, and tosses him a couple 1UP Mushrooms. Mario devours them, delivering the peace sign with his fingers towards no one in particular.

Luigi: "I advise we think up a plan, and me, being the smartest one here, means we... Wait, where the fuck is Waluigi?"

Mario and Wario look at each other, exchange a secret, "Lets not tell him" look, then look back at Luigi, and shrug. Luigi stares at them, feeling extremely nervous all of the sudden.

Luigi: "All... righty then. I won't ask. Anyways, we all know what will happen if we go back to camp without firewood..."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the campsite... 

Bowser: "Where the hell are those greasy spaghetti slurpers? If they're fucking around somewhere and I find out, I'm going to smash their brains out with a large steel pole!"

Toad: "Bowser, you don't have to say things like that!" Toad gasps in shock.

Bowser: "Your right, I hate it when I set my goals too low." Bowser grumbles.

* * *

Luigi wades into the water, equipped with numerous padding from they found in a case that fell from the plane. In his hands is a great purple umbrella. Luigi sees nothing oif the beavers yet, and hopes it will remain that way. He turns around to deliver the, "So far, so good' sign to his brothers, and sees them face to face, heads bowed, and their hands clasped together, like a religious congeregation. 

Luigi: "Hey, I hate to be rude but, what the fuck are you doing?" Luigi shouts.

Wario: "We're praying for you Luigi. We're telling God to have mercy on you and at least let you spend five seconds in heaven, even you should see what your going to miss." Wario states, as if this were obvious.

Luigi begins swearing incomprehensibly and jumping up and down, waving his umbrella at his retarded brothers and uttering numerous death threats, usually accompanied by various four letter words.

Mario: "I think he's mad 'cause we're-a supposed to be watching for those beavers that are coming up behind him."

Wario nods sagely.

Luigi stops for a second and cocks his head, when a heavy beaver tail rips from the water and smacks him directly between the legs. His eyes go wide and he drops facefirst into the water with a shriek that turns to a series of gurgles as he submerges. A dozen beavers pile onto him and beat him with their tails, jibbering like only beavers can.

Wario: "I get his cookbooks."

Mario: "I get his snazzy shoes."

They both look at each other, nod and continue praying. Seconds later, a battered Luigi is washed ashore, motionless. Wario waddles over and prods him with his fat foot.

Luigi: "Go away. I need to be a lone for a couple hours." Luigi sobs.

Mario: "We don't have a couple hours Luigi, I can almost hear Bowsers cursing and threats towards our person." Mario whispers.

Luigi: "Fine..." Luigi twitches violently and stands. "But first I have to get something off my chest." Luigi screeches and bitch-slaps Mario, and then kicks him in the balls.

Mario: "Mamma-MIA!" Mario collapses and shudders, screeching in pain, as Luigi boots him in the ribs when he's down. Eventually, Mario stops moving, as Wario stares in awe, nibbling the trunk of a tree. Mario reappears, looking pretty pissed off.

Mario: "Lives don't grow on trees Luigi! By the way, where did the umbrella go?"

Luig turns around, revealing the back end of the umbrella protruding from the seat of his pants. Mario gasps in shock and Wario starts to laugh.

Wario: "The beavers-a stuck it in your bum-bum! Hee hee!" Wario chuckles.

Luigi swiftly removes the umbrella with a wince and begins to beat Wario into submission with it.

Mario: "Why can't we all just get along?"

Luigi: "Because Mario, you're stupid." Luigi tosses the umbrella. "Okay, we've got to think. How can we get all that wood from those mentally challenged, buck toothed carnivorous beavers."

Mario: "Do they sell semi-automatic weapons in Canada?" Mario asks.

Luigi stares at Mario.

Luigi: "Why did you even ask that? They don't even sell legal mushrooms here." Luigi points out.

Mario: "Yeah... Damn. Wait! I've got a plan!"

* * *

Silently, a lone reed surfaced above the water. Somewhat unnatural, but hell. Then, the reed began to lurch towards the beaver dam. With unnatural precision. Suddenly, it takes an odd lurch and collides with a large rock, as bubbles fly upwards. A lone beaver notices this, and dives in the water. 

Luigi: "Oh shit. They've seen him." Luigi mutters to Wario, who only blinks and continues to devour the box of crackers. When I say box I mean whole box, cardboard and all.

There is a shrieking and the an explosion of bubbles, and the water turns red. Second slater, Mario reappears.

Mario: "Well shit guys..."

Suddenly there is a crashing of underbrush and a very violent, enraged Bowser emerges.

Bowser: "There you are! You fuckers! I ought rip out your bowels and strangle you with them!" Bowser strides down the hill towards them and trips on a single twig, and goes sprawling towards the water. With a bang he lands directly upon the beaver dam.

In an instant a beaver crawls out and begins to nibble his eye. Bowser screams and hops to his feet.

Bowser: "What the, FUCK???" Ten more appear, chittering wildly. Luigi stares, and then looks over at Wario and Mario, who are in the prayer position.

Luigi: "Guys, no matter how much you pray, Bowser is not going to heaven."

Mario: "Oh, we know that, we're hoping the devil doesnt want him."

Bowser, hears this, and begins to screech extremely mean words at the italians, losing his temper with the beavers at the same time.

Bowser: "Fuck you, furrballs!" Bowser boots on in the head and begins using it as a weapon to bludgeon the other ones to death.

Wario: "Yeah, Bowser! Teach those window cleaners who's boss!!!" The fat dude says through fragments of gravel.

Luigi: "Why are you eating gravel?!"

Wario: "What? We were out of feces." Wario stuffs a handful of filth into his mouth.

Bowser stalks ashore, holding and armful of sticks, an expression of, "Don't talk to me." Upon his face.

Bowser: "Lets get the hell back to camp. And one word about this to anyone, I'll kill you and go streaking at your funerals." Bowser promises.

Mario nods and then stares at Luigi.

Luigi: "What?"

Mario: "I think..." Mario whispers, "Bowser's finally enjoying himself."

* * *

Theres number seven down. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i did writing it. It's not quite as slapstick as some of the other ones, always the odd Wario being entirely disgusting, in a way worse than DK, somehow. I really enjoyed the beavers. An idea that came upon me on vacation when I was twelve. Mario being killed by beavers. Yeah, don't ask. Chapter 8 is going to be very good. I'll get that one out as soon as I can. Drop me your thoughts, folks. 


	8. Convenient Climax Creation

**Chapter 8! This is going to be fun. Okay, back to the campsite, Bowser has assisted the Mario brothers in the collection of sticks, and a couple tents have somehow been set up. Now all thats left is to survive until they are found. Sounds simple? Maybe; maybe not. Maybe to some, but certain apes have been without banana for quite some time. Certain individuals are becoming angry at their brothers, and who really likes Gail Grissam? Will everything progress smoothly, or will all hell break loose? Knowing me as you do, what do you think? I would say the odds of an explosion are low, (Sorry Quin.) But... You never know what'll happen.**

**Dis-fuckin'-claimer- I don't own Mario, CSI, Canada, or any other shit mentioned that may be owned by someone else.**

* * *

Bowser stepped into the clearing, a Mario brother on each side of him, Wario covering pretty much all sides by himself. With a grimace he dropped the massive pile of sticks in the middle of the makeshift camp. 

Bowser: "There's your fucking sticks. Now, how's about we eat, and have a good nights sleep?" Bowser grumbles.

Toad: "Amen to that!" The mushroom pipes up. Out of nowhere a rock comes flying from the underbrush and strikes Toad in the head. "What the fuck?" The mushroom screams. There is silence. Luigi decides to speak.

Luigi: "I'll make some pasta. I managed to save some cooking utensils from the crash." Luigi opens the pack of noodles and places it in a pan. Carefully adding the water and spaghetti sauce, he sets it over the fire. Luigi looks up, and smiles, realizing how at peace he feels with his brothers.

Mario suddenly looks around, scared.

Mario: "I pooped."

The moment fleets for Luigi, who bows his head and tosses him some paper towels and points toward a bucket far away from the campsite. Bowser just stares in awe, and Toad pretends he didnt hear anything. DK is dancing around the fire hooting incoherently.

Toad: "DK, will you shut the fuck up and let us enjoy a decent meal together?" Toad hollers, tossing an empty can of spaghetti sauce at the ape.

DK babbles sometting at Toad and resumes hooting, when a ball of feathers rips from a tree and attaches itself to DK's face, hooting itself.

Roy: "Oh my god! An owl is raping DK's face!" The koopa jeers, turning his attention away from beating the snot out of Larry.

DK screams and runs off into the bushes, his voice drowned out by the crooning owl. Wario stares and stuffs the can that Toad threw at DK into his mouth, chewing noisily. Mario returns, looking embarrassed, and takes a seat beside Luigi.

Luigi: "Okay everyone, I think it's time for ghost stories! Whats a camping trip without ghost stories?" Luigi beams.

Bowser: "On the contrary, green bean-pole, Whats a camping trip without being ripped from a plane, being savaged by beavers, seeing a grown man shit himself, and being able to witness an owl indulge in sexual activity with an apes face?" Bowser says, glancing up from the fire he is tending.

Luigi: Luigi stares at him blankly. "Ummm, Your point?"

Bowser: "My point, you spaghetti slurping asshole, is that it's hardly a camping trip when we're fucking STRANDED!!!" Bowser stands and whips a blazing twig at Luigi, who ducks and pops up, looking astonished.

Wario: "Jeez, Bowser. Calm down, stop and smell the roses." The fat Italian mutters.

Bowser: "I can't, because you ate them!" Bowser roars and stomps off into the woods, cursing and screaming all the way.

Toad: "Well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed." Toad states, shaking his head in sympathy. Everyone silently nods in agreement, none daring to speak in fear a vengeful Bowser may return. "Anyways, Luigi, you were speaking of ghost stories?"

Luigi grins sinisterly, and whips out a book entitled,"Mysteries of Canada" The book has a large picture of Stephen Harper on the front. He opens to a certain page and begins to read.

Luigi: "Two campers were hiking up the Mountians of British Columbia," Luigi pauses, staring around with a diabolical expression on his face. "They were getting tired, and the sun was going down," Luigi stares around at everyone, and gives a subtle glance at the sun, which was sinking down over the hills. "So they set up a tent, built a fire and went to sleep. Late at night, one camper was disturbed by the noise of heavy footfalls through the woods. He went outside, turned on his flashlight to reveal..."

Wario: "A prehistoric window cleaner?" Wario bellows.

Luigi: "No, idiot, it was the legendary creature..."

Mario: "Articuno?" He wails.

Luigi: "No! You idiots! It was Sasquatch! Big-Foot! The massive flesh eating beast!" Luigi howls. "Anyways..." Luigi is cut off by the sound of heavy footfalls through the trees.

Morton: "OH MY GOD GUYS ITS SASQUATCH!!!" The blabbermouth Koopa screeches and begins writhing.

Panic erupts and Luigi tries to calm everyone down.

Luigi: "Settle down, its probably just Bowser!"

Mario: "Waluigi?" Mario gapes.

Sure enough, the lanky purple clad Mario brother stands at the edge of the clearing breathing heavily, looking quite pissed off. Wario and Mario look at each other in that weird, demented way and then back at Waluigi, who is pointing a finger at Wario and Mario.

Waluigi: "I don't...believe...you ate me." Waluigi snarls. "I have, two lives, Mario! TWO LIVES! And you and Wario ate me because you thought you would starve when the plane began to crash!"

Luigi: "You _ate_ him? Oh my god!" Luigi backs away from Mario and Wario, a disgusted look upon his face.

Gail Grissam: "I knew it. As soon as I added the quintuple sums of the meteroical mathmetizing..." Gail, who has been quiet for all this time begins.

Toad: "Please Gail, Keep it to yourself. We know they fucking ate him. Just say it." Toad snarls, taking a drink from a flask of whisky.

Gail Grissam: "Can't do that, I would be out of character."

Waluigi: "In case you didn't notice, TV man, virtually everyone is out of character." Waluigi points out.

Gail Grissam: "Technically no. See, everyone has the same personality throughout the length of the story, even if that doesn't apply to their original personalities, like in Mario Tennis or some shit, their personalities here are welded and warped by the author, to his demented ideals." Gail spears a marshmallow and holds it over the fire.

Mario: "Author? What are you talking about? This guy is nuts." Mario chuckles.

Toad: "Totally." The mushroom man agrees.

Bowser returns, dragging DK behind him.

Bowser: "I found him screeching over an empty crate of bananas. He's quite distressed at the loss. He hasn't had one in two hours, you know."

Dk mumbles something incoherent and Bowser shakes him.

Bowser: "If you're going to say shit, ape, say it audibly!"

DK: "I said no bananas and no chicks make DK homocidal." The ape snarls.

Bowser: "Oh, I'm scared. Eat the pasta, you stinky ball of fur." Bowser tosses the ape on his knees in front of a mound of pasta. The ape sat up, hugging his knees to himself and began rocking back and forth, snarling oddly. "Listen monkey. If you need chicks, theres Mario. I mean, it's the closest you'll get here."

Luigi: "Oh for God's sake. Eat the damn food you whiny monkey. You can go a couple days without bananas." Luigi scoffed.

Dk stands, and with a screech of rage flings at Mario, who shrieks and tries to run, but DK grabs him by the ears and with a twist pops the Italian's head right off. With a screech that morphed into a gurgle and then a howl, the ape sauntered into the woods.

Toad: "Holy SHIT!!!!" The mushroom hollers, and dives 'neath one of the tents.

Bowser: "Well Luigi. Still a camping trip?"

* * *

After Mario reappeared, they couldnt get him to stop crying for about an hour. When he could finally speak, he had this to say. 

Mario: "Why Luigi? He was my friend. I trusted him! And now I have only-a 3 lives." Mario snuffled.

Luigi: "Well Mario, We all knew DK was "special." I guess it was just his time to finally snap." Luigi comforted, patting his brothers shoulder.

Mario: "But..." Mario sniffles. "He stole my head and was eating it as he ran away-a! How is that special?" Mario blubbered in fear.

Wario: "Don't blame him, Mario. I had half of it." Wario belches.

Waluigi: "Well we don't blame you, fat-boy. Seeing as you devoured my arm and my throat earlier..." Waluigi scoffs.

Wario: "Hey, are you still sore about-a that? Grow up. It's just cannabalism, everyones doing it." Wario chuckles. "You need to get with the times bro."

Bowser: "That is just creepy, that right there." Bowser says, eyes wide and looking scared.

Wario grins maliciously and Bowser shudders.

Luigi: "Okay, everyone shut uppa right now. DK has obviously gone insane. What are we going to do about it?" The green clad plumber asks.

Toad: "Run and fucking hide?" The mushroom fellow squeaks from below a tent.

Gail Grissam. "No, you see, we must keep watch at all parts of the day and night, to make sure the apes murdering spree does not reoccur." He pulls up a chair. "And I advise we..."

DK: "GARFLESCHNARFLE!!!!" The ape screams, ripping from the bushes and removes Grissam's head with his teeth. Toad wails and the tent begins to quake.

Bowser: "It worked! Tase the ape!" Bowser roars and Luigi begins to prod D.K with taser. The ape screeches and swats at Luigi, and then collapses.

Toad: "Holy shit, Bowser, that was an intricate plan!" The mushroom cheers, leaping out from beneath the tent.

Luigi: "Well we figured we could capture the ape and get rid of that stupid TV man in one little event." Luigi grins, flipping the taser around.

Wario: "He knew too much." The tub of lard nods sagely. Bowser again gives Wario a scared, nervous glance.

Ludwig: "Well! Now that the ape-threat is neutralised, we can start figuring out how to get out of this hellhole."

Mario: "Yes! I say we ask that nice looking shaggy fellow over there." The italian claps.

Bowser: "Idiot. The only shaggy creature is DK, now bound and gagged."

Mario: "Phew!" Mario turns to the massive shaggy monster beside Bowser. "I guess we won't be needing your help."

Sasquatch: "OOK!" The legendary beast grabs Bowser by the tail and begins swinging him in circles.

Bowser: "Not the fucking tail!!! Why with the damn tail?!" Bowser is then sent over the treeline, screaming in indignant rage.

Mario: "That looks like Aunt Maria!" The plumber giggles.

Luigi: "No..." He shakes his head. "Aunt Maria's hairier."

Wario: "She's got bigger feet, too. And smells way worse." The fat-ass states, looking up from the half-eaten corpse of Grissam.

Mario: "Maybe-a she took a bath!" Mario scurries over to Bigfoot. "Auntie Maria, Auntie Maria!!!" He is cut off as the monster takes off his head with a punch. Mario reappears beside Luigi. "Nah... He ain't Auntie Maria."

Toad: "RUN LIKE SHIT!!!!" Toad scurries off and trips over DK, knocking himself out. DK suddenly twitches.

DK: "Where is DK?" The ape moans. The ape is suddenly wracked with a violent spasm. "Ugh... Shouldn't ate those... Berries..."

Mario: "Oh God-a NO!!!" Mario hits the deck.

Wario: "Though I have no idea what the fucks going to happen, I'll duck anyway to make the story plotline flow nicely without killing off any important characters such as myself." Wario points out, squatting.

DK: "ARGHHH!!!!" The air shimmers, and an explosion rocks the mountains of British Columbi, sending birds skyward in terror. Avalanches crush nearby villages, killing thousands. Sasquatch is hit full on with this deadly projectile of instant death. He is skeletal before the gas even finishes hitting him.

The corpse falls backwards towards a small pack labelled, "Highly impact sensitive packs of TNT.

Luigi: "NOOO! Who put that convenient climax-creating pack of dynamite there?!?"

Toad: "I don't know! Hit the deck, no, stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!"

Mario actually tries to comply and ends up snapping his back and dying.

Iggy: "Snarky wop!"

The Rocky Mountains are suddenly alight with a blast that made the Halifax explosion look like a fart in a bathtub.

* * *

**A/N: Wow that was some fun shit to write. So we end at an honest to God cliffhanger. Everyones about to die? Wow, all because somebody left a convenient climax-creating bag of impact sensitive TNT laying around. What kind of idiot does that? And what kinda idiot writes shit like this?**

**Heh. Sure as Hell not me. Drop me your thoughts folks! Sorry it took so long.**

**-Stewey** out!


	9. Descent Into Madness

**A/N: Well, here I am clocking in with another chapter. For the basic plotline of this chapter I have my friend Quin to thank. We did a shitload of brainstorming and came up with a bunch of random shit to happily string together. I'm going to have fun with this, so enjoy it.**

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own shit! And I repeat, all mean Canadian and or other offensive jokes are not heart-felt. If anyones offended, I apologize in advance, but it's not my fault if you take a Mario fanfiction seriously.**

* * *

The Canadian mountain-side was stained with smoke. Bits of rubble rolled down into the valleys. Suddenly, a round shape popped from beneath a pile of rocks. 

Wario: "Oy! Who knew how good sediment would taste!?" The tub of lard brushes himself off and searches for any corpses to snack upon.

Toad: "God? This is Toad. Your a fucking _prick_!!!"The mushroom man howls, crawling from beneath a pile of rocks. "How could you! After all I've been through! You can kiss my tiny fungus ass! I hate you!!!" Toad chugs back the last of his flask which is miraculously unbroken and staggers over to Wario, who is chewing on a dead beaver.

Wario: "I'm sorry, where are my manners. Would you like some?" Mushroom Kingdoms "Mr. Planetoid" asks, shoving over.

Toad: "No. I'm just absorbing the fact that I'm left alone with you. Let me tell you, if I'm forced to resort to cannabalism, its going to take one sharp fucking knife to kill you."

Wario: "You can be forced into cannabalism? Wow, your depraved." Wario snickers, shaking his head. His words are punctuated by more shuffling of rocks. Miraculously, all of the companions appeared to be present and accounted for. Bowser eyes Wario and Toad and the beaver's corpse.

Bowser: "I don't know what's wierder, a mountain exploding or Wario offering to share something." Mario then reappears flickering.

Mario: "That's funny. I coulda sworn I missed all the rocks after I snapped my back. How did I die?"

Bowser: "That's because I killed you. With an axe." The Koopa king points out.

Luigi: "Well now that everyones... Wait? Where is Waluigi?" Luigi howls. Wario and Mario give each other a single, knowing glance, that nobody else notices, save for Toad, who pales and pretends he didn't.

Mario: "Well, we're doing little good sitting around-"

Bowser: "Your standing." He yawns, and walks towards the edge of the clearing. "I can't believe we blew up a fucking mountain. This has got to be the stupidest thing thats ever happened to me!" Bowser's eyes happen upon the unconcious ape. "Ah yes, there's that thing."

Toad: "This is so stupid! We blow up a mountain, and none of the annoying people even die?" The mushroom screeches, going red.

Morton: "Define annoying!" He demands, crossing his arms and glaring. Mario points at Luigi, who kicks him in the nuts.

Mario: "Augh! My spaghetti and meatballs! Mama-mia!" Mario collapses whimpering.

Bowser: "Funny. You think he'd be getting used to that." He turns to see Toad rocking back and forth, his little eyes wide. "Okay. What the hell?"

Toad: "My brain... I think someone installed a blender in my brain..." The mushroom's head darts around. "Whup, whup whup..." He mutters, and scuttles about. Bowser backs away, looking quite fearful.

Mario: "No-a! It's a helicopter! We're saved-a! Saved!" Mario waves a hand in the air, the other proctectively over his 'special place'.

This is true, the troop is greeted by two choppers lighting beside them. A bunch of police come out and usher them to get in.

Cop #60: "What the hell happened!" The cop asks, shocked.

Luigi: "Oh, the mountain blew up." The Italian shrugs.

DK sits up and begins to shriek incoherently.

Cop #48: "Holy shit! What's wrong with him?!"

Mario: "We don't know, eh?" Mario states casually. Bowser looks at him odd, and decides to ignore.

Cop #60: "Well, we can bring him to a hospital, theres one nearby. My name is Bob, and this is my life partner, Alphy." He introduces himself, indicating his co-police officer. "We can take you there, but the ape has to go to in the front copter, which will lead us to the city, and also is equipped with first aid equipment."

Toad: "Wait, life-partner? What the fuck does that mean?" Toad screeches, a confused look upon his face.

Bob: "Me and Alphy are married." Bob smiles.

Mario: "Oooh! Alphy is a woman! Sorry, Ma'am! I thought you were a man!" Mario laughs, removing his hat and bowing.

Alphy: "No... I'm a man."

Toad's eyes widen and Bowser starts laughing, while Mario kind of half smiles, still confused.

Bob: "See, Canada is a wonderful country, where out supportive government allows gay marriage!"

Meanwhile, in the parliament buildings. Stephen Harper sits up and looks around with bloodshot eyes.

Stephen Harper: "I just got a shiver up my spine... Must be that gay marriage law mentioned..." He turns to a picture of the former PM Paul Martin (Hey, I just noticed Paul Martin and Prime Minister have the same initials. Groovy!) and shakes his fist. "Damn you, Liberal! Damn yoooooooou!!!"

Luigi: "Uh-huh. Can we just get the hell out of here now?" He sighs dramatically.

Bob: "Sounds like a plan." The whole gang is crammed into the tiny helicopter and they watch as DK is strapped into the one in front of them.

Mario: "Poor hairy bastard, I hope he's-a gonna be okay." Mario whimpers.

Bowser: "Everything will be fine as long as he doesn't get gas." Bowser states without emotion and stares out the window.

* * *

His eyes slide open and he observes the area about him. The furry being tries to sit and notices he is strapped in. He hisses in rage and remains still,searching for a way out. He is aware he is in a helicopter, so he may as well wait it out. Then the smell invades his nostrils, and the sound of giggling. 

He looks up to see two men laughing and spraying each other with some sort of banana smelling liquid, while the pilot screeches in agony about allergies.

DK: "Arooo!" He rips out of his restraints and leaps upon the first man, gnashing his blunt monkey teeth and removing his throat. He begins to rip limbs off in rapid succession.

Bob: "Alphy! NOOOO!" DK then leaps upon him and beats the defenseless gay man to death with his partners arm. The pilot looks back to see whats happening.

Pilot: "What's going on back there! I swear to God, if you're naked..." He sees the back of DK hunched over a corpse. "Hey!" DK straightens, and the ape turns his head all the way around to face the pilot. The pilot shrieks as DK swoops at him...

* * *

Wario: "Who 'da hell taught those Canucks ahead of us to drive a helicopter?!" The mound of lard mumbles as the chopper ahead of them convulses violently. Bowser shrugs and goes back to spitting out the window at cars below. 

DK was manning the copter, desperately flying it towards where he could see a city. In cities were stores. In stores were bananas. The sadistic urge drove him, and this overrode the fact that he didn't know how to fly a helicopter. DK was a sort of idiot savante. He was secretly a genius, but he had grown so accustomed to being a retard that he only utilized his intelligence when he was concentrated on a single thing.

Pilot #2: "Well, they're heading for the city, it looms like. Probably to the hospital. I wouldn't worry about the rocking. Remember, there are two gay men aboard."

Luigi wordlessly vomits into his lap and does so again as Wario begins to slurp up the goo.

Meanwhile, DK had spotted the answer to his meaningless simian existence. A golden bunch of bananas winked at him from the ground, shimmering like the gates of heaven. With a crazed ook he veered directly towards this icon of bliss and gunned the throttle. The copter sped forward.

Mario: "It looks like they're heading for a the No Frills, eh hoser?" Mario says to the Canadian pilot, who turns around in his seat.

Pilot #2: "Listen pal, you've been using these subtle Canadian jokes ever since you met us, and frankly I'm getting sick of it! I mean honestly, have you ever actually heard a Canadian talk like that?! Hell! I've heard Americans say eh more than we do!!!"

Bowser: "Way to go Mario, you've got him all impassioned." Bowser groans and bonks his head against the window.

Wario: "Yes, and not watching where he's going." The mass of flesh points out as the helicopter smashes into the side of a skyscraper with a sign that reads, 'Helicopter Flight School.'

Pilot #2: "NOOOOOOOO!! THE DREAM CAME TRUE! Not like this! Never like this!" He howls and dies.

Toad: "Well, in all honesty that was just crap."

Bowser: "Yes, it really was." He ponders as they are spilled into the office section of the flight school.

Mario: "Mama mia! That was-a pretty lucky."

Bowser: "How?! We just collided with a fucking building!"

Mario: "Well I found a penny!" Mario squeals and holds up the copper coin, and Luigi leaps upon him and begins trying to insert it in his right nostril.

Waluigi: "Well, we did about as good as the other chopper." The toothpick points at the ruins of the first chopper, which is imbedded in the side of a No Frills below.

Roy: "Where the fuck were you?"

Waluigi: He glances at Mario with terror. Mario fixes his brother with an icy stare. "I-Uh, fell." Mario nods his approval.

Toad: "Well, whatever, we'd better make sure DK is alright."

Mario: "Oh, he's-a clearly fine. He looks like he's enjoying himself." Mario point out the window to the brown figure dangling off the No Frills sign by his teeth. Everyone simply stares in awe and fear at the disturbed ape.

Bowser: "Well, he may be fine now, but we'd better go down and get him before he get's tasered." Bowser walks over to the elevator and pushes the button. It slides open and Celine Dion comes out. She opens her mouth, perhaps to inquire what Bowser was doing in Canada, when Bowser punches her in the face. Needless to say, she is quite unconcious.

Iggy: "Dad, what the fuck? That was Celine Dion! Why did you hit her?"

Bowser: "She may have been about to sing, I couldn't take that chance." He cracks his knuckles while everyone nods in agreement. They all pile into the elevator that can magically fit the group. They wait in silence save for the elevator music which is buzzing away the tune to that annoying Soulja Boy song everyone loves for some reason.

Toad: "Well this must be bad artist day or something." This enduces another wave of nodding heads, but nobody actually comments. They reach the bottom, and step out onto the street. DK is nowhere in sight, but a bunch of people are crowded around a dead guy in a banana suit.

Bowser: "Damn, we're too late. He's on a rampage!" He reaches back and pulls a few assault rifles from his shell. "We're going in." He pauses and tosses a few more mushrooms to Mario. "That should hold you..." Mario grins happily and inhales the shrooms.

As they step inside, they see a kid facing a stack of cereal boxes with an odd expression.

Kid: "Sir, what are you doing?"

???: "You want a banana, kid? Dontcha want it?"

Kid: "Okay!" He reaches in and a hairy hand reaches out and pulls off the kids arm.

DK: "We all float down here!" The ape shrieks and explodes from the shelf and lopes down the aisle with the arm in his mouth, giggling and ooking. They all watch with wide eyes as the bloodsoaked ape rounds a corner.

Bowser: "Guys, if you repeat what I'm about to say I will hunt your families down and disembowel them, then whip them furiously with their own intestines. I will then tie them up with the aforementioned organs and force them to watch Inuyasha until their eyes explode and their brains melt. But I'm frightened."

Waluigi: "I think we all are Bowser. I think we all are..."

* * *

**Heh, so maybe it wasn't quite as uproarius as the other chapters, but it had it's moments. I repeat, none of these jokes are meant to be taken seriously, except for the Inuyasha one. Lmfao. I'm kidding. I hate the show, but that doesn't mean I want to offend anyone. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Peace.**

**-Stewey**


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